My Grandpa

Today marks the one year of my Grandpa's death. Honestly it's been a hard day so far. I'm trying to not let it bother me, but I know it's okay to mourn and grieve so I don't feel guilty at all. I found this poem written by someone who knows exactly how I'm feeling right now and she wrote about it, so I wanted to share it.

I Miss You

© Amanda Dwyer

I know it hurt you

It hurt me too,

But now that you're gone

All I know is I miss you

You were there for so long,

I never thought you would leave.

I thought you had another year

Waiting up your sleeve.

The day that you left

Was the saddest of my life.

I remember sitting at home

And crying all day and night.

I might be selfish

But I wish you were here.

Or if you stayed

For one more year.

I know you loved me

And I still love you too.

So I'm trying to be strong

Just for you.

I know I'm not perfect.

I know I'll never be.

I just hope you're up there

And that you're proud of me.

You had to let go

Even though you were holding on for so long

But there's not a day I don't think of you,

And how you were so strong.

I just want to tell you

That you're always in my heart.

Even though I still cry

I know we're not apart.

Thinking of you, Grandpa

I love you Grandpa so much and miss you more than anything. This poem says it all. Be praying for me today. Thanks for reading.

He Carries Me

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not…actually I know it’s not but I seem to be finding it easy to put masks on right now. The ‘I’m okay, even though I’m not’ mask. I just really don’t wanna talk about it and I don’t want people asking about what I’m going through or dealing with. The people that are closest to me already know and I can be real around them, but it’s other people. I don’t open up to those I’m not close with, so why would I want to talk to them about what’s going on in my life. Yes, I’m dealing with really hard stuff inside of me. On the outside I may act fine but the inside of me is just all over the place. I have so many emotions going on inside of me. It’s amazing how easily a mood can change in the matter of a day or even a half hour.

I try and make sense of it, but you know. I’ve accepted the fact that life isn’t always going great and things will come up and hit you broadside without a moment’s notice. The question is, how do you deal with all of these burdens in a healthy way? Psalm 55:22 says “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” As of now, the Lord is really carrying me. I don’t have the strength to get through this without Him. I was barely walking in the first place and I surrender myself into His arms right now because I am just not strong enough.

There’s a song by Scott Wesley Brown called “He Will Carry You” and it has really spoken to me during this time of struggle and heartache.

"There is no problem too big God cannot solve it.

There is no mountain too tall He cannot move it.

There is no storm too dark God cannot calm it.

There is no sorrow too deep, God cannot soothe it.

(Chorus)

If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders.

I know , my brother, that He will carry you.

If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders.

I know, my sister, that He will carry you.

(Bridge)

He said, Come unto Me all who are weary , and I will give you rest."

Thank you God for always carrying me when I can no longer walk on my own.

Under His Wings

Wow. It's amazing how things change in a matter of a second, minute, or hour. Life is never guaranteed to be easy, I know that all very well. Life for me personally is great. I'm a junior in college studying something that I am so passionate about and brings me joy, I have amazing friends who speak into my life and who have my back in a moment’s notice, I have a job that I love doing, and my relationship with God is tight like skinny jeans. I had a great day yesterday, went to church, had lunch with friends, did all my homework that was due today, and had a real great evening with Becca. With one phone call to my Mom, my life crumbles almost immediately.

My grandma is in the hospital again. She had just been home for three days from being at the hospital and now she's back. This is her eighth time in the hospital since October. Her body is failing, and it's not a mystery that she's dying. My grandpa died a year ago, and I had a feeling that grandma wouldn't be too far behind. Her health wasn't great in the first place, even when grandpa died. It's so hard to accept. I'm trying not to be angry at God and not get bitter, but it's time like these that I'm thankful to have a constant strong relationship with the Lord. I wouldn't be able to get through the reality of this without Him and His Word ministering to me. It's very easy for me to put on a face and act like everything is okay and that this doesn't affect me, but honestly, it has really grabbed ahold of me, and I'm trying to deal with it in a healthy way.

It’s so easy to seclude myself and hide away, I sometimes think I’d rather prefer that, but my amazing friends would drag me out if I even tried. Not always though, they know when I need to process things, but after a day they are pulling me out and back up on my feet. It does get annoying sometimes but I know it’s because they love me. Right now I just really feel God wrapping His strong arms around me and telling me that He has me and won’t let me go.

Psalm 91:1-4 says

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD,

“He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you

from the fowler’s snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”

I know that the Lord is covering me inside His wings, and I know He is there and is going to be there every single step of the way, just like He was when Grandpa went home to be with Him. It’s so easy to want to be stingy and selfish and keep those you love the most with you for the rest of your life, but it’s just not how life is. I wish it was, oh do I wish it was. Even though the thought of it is so hard to bear, I know that in Him I will remain strong, protected, and loved. I know He is there, I know I have nothing to fear, I know He will get me through.

Learning to Trust

I’ve been inspired to start doing a better job at updating this blog of mine. If you have it, you might as well use it right? Well, I will start off by sharing what’s going on in my life right now. God is doing SO MUCH that I can’t not tell about it. My parents lost their income for like the fifth time because of my dad’s disability company is trying to stiff them again. So much so that they have a court date set for this week. So, in that, money is very slim and they are pretty much down to nothing. This even affects me because while I’ve been in Bible college my parents have been supporting me as I am doing school full time with no car. So, I was short 3,000 dollars for last semester and I had no way of paying it.

I’ve been working on campus as a barista in the café and all of my money has to go to the school to pay back that 3,000 dollars. Thankfully they are allowing me to pocket some of the money for living expenses because I have absolutely no source of income. On Friday I get an email from the financial aid director who said that I was given $500 by a couple from one of the New Hope churches in Hawaii, as well as an additional 2,000 dollars for financial aid for officially being a junior. So all I have to pay back in about $500 which is about two paychecks, give or take.

God is moving so much in my life and taking such great care of me. He is constantly showing His love for me and I am beginning to trust Him more and more, in all aspects of my life. It’s such a great thing knowing that someone loves me enough to provide my needs when I am at my direst need. God you are there for me, I know I have so many questions in my mind about my future and the plans that He has for me, especially since times are so hard. But He continues to bless me which gives me strength to endure through, and in that I can encourage my parents who are worse off than I am. I think I understand now what God is trying to tell me. Thanks for being patient with me, as I am learning to listen to you and trust you more.

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4 (New Living Translation)