"Tis The Season"

The Holiday season seems different this year. The magic seems to be gone as much as I have tried to conjure up some sort of yuletide cheer. It just isn't hitting me as it normally has in the past. Could it be that I've finally hit a time in my life where Christmas has lost it's appeal? I hope not. I hope it's just a down time in life and it just so happens to be around Christmas. It's definitely different with Grandma and Grandpa both being gone this year. It's such a bitter realization even now after a couple months of Grandma being gone. It still doesn't feel real. Grandma and Grandpa were Christmas for as long as I could remember. They went out of their way to make Christmas special for all of us grandkids. We never went without even though they barely had anything. It's that sacrifical love that they gave that we all held so dear to our hearts. They made Christmas what Christmas is. How is Christmas ever going to be the same? 

I feel even though this year has been a hard year, there is a new promise of a new year. A new year of change, of happiness and new beginnings. I have no idea what that is going to look like though. I had a friend post a status on Facebook the other day, he asked "Would you rather go in the past and change something, or look into the future to know something." Such a great question and it stopped me. I gave it some thought and I definitely would choose to look into the future. My past has made me who I am today and even though those things in my past were hard, I would never want to erase them. My past is who I am, but I would so love to look into the future to just get a little glimpse of what is to come. It's the one thing that I would desire. So many time I've agonized over what my future is going to look like, impatience is definitely a struggle of mine, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my future. lol. 

But in that I realize that even though Grandma and Grandpa are gone, life still goes on. They would want me to go on with life and find the happiness they always wanted for me. I remember sitting at their dinner table with my best friend Becca and she was telling them about the young man in her life, my Grandma looked at me at one point and I knew what her eyes said. She longed to see me as happy as Becca seemed. My Grandparents always knew of my value and they knew exactly the potential my future held if I just continued listening to the Lord in my life. I'm sure when that happiness comes along, they will be looking down at me, beaming from ear to ear because they got a front row seat to the rest of my life. 

This season is going to be difficult, but I'm choosing to find the joy in this season and hopefully in doing that I will find the magic once again. I miss you Grandma and Grandpa so much. Christmas will never be the same without you guys.

As Seasons Change

I never realized how therapeutic the sound of rain could be. Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. The vibrancy of colors take my breath away every single time. The sound of the wind and rain falling against the ground and the trees is like soothing music to my soul. I can’t help but be transported to another world of wonder and amazement. All I can think about on nights like this is curling up by the fireplace in sweatpants and a blanket, with a cup of hot cocoa with a good book or a journal with blank pages.

I don’t have a fireplace, but I do have an opportunity to allow my mind to rest. My mind suddenly stops and fades away from all the stress, worry and anxiety for however long I feel like, as the music of the beautiful nature that God created takes me away. It’s a time when my mind comes alive and allows me to just be by myself and reflect, and recollect myself. When the seasons change it has the ability to excite me and make me be full of wonder. Here when I’m at school I’m able to enjoy fall, and the changing of seasons. But when I go home for Christmas I am transported into a winter wonderland, like I just walked through the wardrobe into Narnia. What magic this season beholds for me, ever year. This year may be the hardest holiday season I’ve had to go through without Grandma here. Her and Grandpa were Christmas.

Every memory I have, has them in it. The magic of Christmas, giving, love and sacrifice was practiced and shown to us by my Grandparents. My Grandpa was Santa Clause for my entire life. The Holidays for my family were just complete magic and wonder. I will miss those years of awe and wonder as a kid getting exactly what I told Santa “Grandpa and Grandma”.But in that I choose to find joy in this season. Remember the good times and cherish them with all that I have. But it’s time to make new memories, and begin to cherish those. The old memories will never fade, but new ones are just as exciting and wonderful. I’m definitely enjoying this rainy, cold, fall night and look forward to more nights like this in this season.  

AHHHHHH!!!!

You know when life seems to come at you and come at you and you feel like you can't catch a break, and you just want to scream at the top of your lungs? Well that's how I'm feeling these days. I feel like I'm slowly drowning and there are moments where I am able to catch a breath but not soon after I catch a breath I'm pushed back down under water. I feel like I'm Peter, who Jesus calls out to walk on the water. And in that story as long as Peter has his eyes set on Jesus he's able to walk without fail on water. But once he takes his eyes off of Christ he starts to sink. 

Well my story right now isn't exactly like that. I do have my eyes on the Lord, I'm striving to live for Him to the best of my ability but I just feel like I'm trying so hard to survive that I'm failing miserably. There are friends that I can go too and just hang out with, have coffee with that help pull me above water to where I can feel like I can breathe. But sadly there are others who just yank me back down into the water to where I'm struggling to survive. 

I don't understand why life has to be this way, but I know one thing is for sure. GOD IS FAITHFUL. GOD IS HERE. GOD IS BESIDE ME. GOD IS CARRYING ME! In my journaling yesterday, even after reading the Word I just couldn't conjure up to identify with any of the scriptures. So I ended up just writing out a prayer. This was a prayer of supplication. Just asking God to be with me, to help me through, to give me a reprieve, and even to carry me through cause I feel so weak right now. I feel like there is so much pressure on me because my schedule is so packed. I barely have time for myself, let alone to have demands from people to spend time with them. I'm only one person, I mean. You see me struggling, what else do you want from me? 


God just give me the strength to get through. I know you will. 

Filled With Joy

As the leafs begin to change I can’t help but think about how life is changing for me and even those closest to me. A new season of happiness and life in general. It’s always so exciting. Helping my best friend plan her wedding has given me a lot of joy, just seeing her beam with happiness has been the special treat. I feel like life in still in a big transition and I’m so excited for it.

One thing that I know will be a part of my transition is being in a place of leadership here at the school. I ran for student council and won a spot. I was super excited and I am super excited to serve this school and the students. New Hope has done so much for me these past three years and I am excited to be able to give back in any way I can. It’s gonna be crazy but amazing. God is just reminding me constantly of how blessed I am with all the things He has given me. I have a tendency to focus more on what I don’t have instead of the blessings that make my life as happy as it is right now.

In my time with the Lord this morning I read Psalm 126 and verse 3 really stuck out to me. It says “The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.” It really hit me hard that I need to focus on the things that God has given me now, and just be content and thankful for all of it. And when I am truly, He will bestow more blessings in my life. I can’t wait for that. So I am just full of joy after I realize what I have, and I am a super lucky lady! That’s for sure! 

Life

In my devotions this morning I read Psalm 145 and this chapter is all about God’s love and his compassion for us and those whom He loves. I pretty much had a total frustrated complaining entry, all about how if He loved us so much why must we endure so much hardship? My family has been going through nothing but hardship the last ten years. I can’t even remember what life being “normal” is because it’s all overshadowed by the hardship. Now I know that God never promised that life would be easy.

 In fact James says “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4 (NLT)

Paul said “So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.” (NLT)

I know all of this to be true and I know the Israelites went through more than what my family has had to endure, 40 years is a longer time than ten. But to me it might as well feel like 40 years. Honestly I’m just tired of the hardship, tired of having struggles, I just want life to feel happy again. It’s pretty bad when I don’t even remember what life being happy looks or feels like. I also think because of my grief and unhappiness I am quick to sell myself short and not have the confidence in what the Lord has promised. Out of my frustration I am willing to compromise and choose 2^nd best. To me, I don’t understand why I keep going that direction. I feel like I’m strong in spirit but so weak when it comes to my human nature and desires.

I don’t understand why I know what I need out of a future spouse but I am quick to compromise the most important just to feel loved and desired. God why can’t I ever conquer this? Why can’t I ever just be strong enough to let it go? Why do I feel so drawn to him? Why…? I feel like I disappoint those closest to me because I fail so horribly at this every single time. I feel like a disappointment to you God. I’ve lived my life to serve you and yet I still feel like I am not worthy of the love you give me and not worthy enough to find a man that treats me with your love.

I’ve always prayed for a love like the love my Grandparents shared with each other. They endured such deep trials together but came out strong in the end and they loved each other for 53 years until they both went home to be with Jesus. I have so many desires in my heart but God has yet to answer the deepest desires. I feel like my life is just wasting away and by the time it finally happens I won’t be good enough for anyone. These lies from the enemy torment me every single day and get into my head. I try to conquer them but feel so weak right now, I think it’s because of my grief and pain over losing Grandma. I’m not trying to excuse it but that makes more sense to me. I struggle every single day to get out of bed and keep going on with life. But it’s so hard.

I’m tired, I’m overworked, I’m so beaten and bruised up. I just want a break, a break from the trials, the heartache, the pain. Where is my happiness? When is it my turn to love someone with all that I have? When will it be me? God please answer me. Please show me and reveal to me all that I desire to know. Continue to walk with me even though I fail so miserably. Allow my friends to be patient with me and walk beside me through this time. I do trust you even though I do things that may not show that. I do. I will continue to love you, I will still love you and trust you as I continue to walk with you. 

Whirlwind of Emotions

So this week I feel like I’ve been frustrated and really in a weird place. I feel like I have so many emotions going through me. In one situation I put myself out there and then get crushed, not knowing why or what the heck happened. In another situation is an exciting thing to see what may unfold as time goes by. But most of all I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of complaining and having the victim attitude. It’s exhausting! May be one of the reasons why I’m so worn out at this point of the week.

Back to my emotions, I feel like they are just going all over. I’m just so frustrated over a couple things and I’m just tired on the other side. Tired of feeling like my life has been nothing but hardships and sadness. Where is the happiness? Where is the ease? When will life feel full of smiles and happiness? I’m tired of the constant hardship, I’m tired of being and feeling unhappy, I’m just so tired of it all. I feel like my life is just staying this way while all around me there are weddings and happiness all over. And here I stay, alone, depressed, sad over losing one of the most important people in my life, and full of trying to figure out where the heck my life is going.

I know this sounds real depressing and sounds like I’ve given up. But I really haven’t. I know God is faithful and I know his mercies are new every morning. But after what I’ve been through I think it’s okay to feel this way. I know I’m in the Lord’s hands and I'm doing okay and I’m taking life day by day. Today is just a low day. I will continue to run the race set before me out of full trust in the Lord leading me down the road every day. I am thankful that He loves me enough and I know He will give me the desires of my heart. I just wish He’d hurry up. 

Reflections and More!

So this week has been a week of reflection mostly. Reflecting on my life these past couple weeks and in dealing with all of it I have been thinking a lot about my future. What’s next for me after I graduate next year? It’s a scary thing not knowing or having any idea whatsoever! I know what I want to do! I wouldn’t mind moving back to California and settling down. But the other option I’ve given thought about is staying here in Eugene! I’d be close to friends that have become my family and I’d be half way to home and my friends/family in California.

Seems like a logical idea huh? I definitely have grown to love Eugene and the life here. It’s a high possibility for sure. But then again, it’s a year away and I really don’t need to figure everything out now. But that’s just how I am, I’ve always liked having some sort of idea of what’s next, even if it’s just a possibility! On the other hand I am completely aware of the amazing friends I have in my life. 

Each friend/relationship I have with them is different. There really isn’t one that’s the same and I like that. For instance nobody can be my best friend Becca in my life, but I still have Ali who is a very close, close friend of mine. Even when it comes to the guy friends I have, Casey Bec’s fiancé is like my closest guy friend, I trust his opinion and wisdom and would talk to him about an idea I had or his "guy view" things that I wouldn’t talk to my other guy friends about.

I am thankful that I have so many friends to have such a diverse relationship with all of them. God sure has blessed me with so many friends, friends I’ve had for years and even new ones I’ve made over the summer. (My SJ summer fam! ILY!) I guess this blog is dedicated to all the friends in my life who have given me such happiness and joy! You guys are such a blessing to me and I’m so glad and thankful for each and every one of you! You really do not know the impact each of you has made on my life! Thank you!

 

First Week Reflections

First week of Classes DONE! So crazy how life is sometimes. Even though I found out I won’t be graduating until NEXT year, I am super blessed and excited for what God has for me. Ultimately it’s about HIS plan in the end right? That just means I get two more semesters at New Hope rather than being done in the Spring. Life is just so exciting. Thinking about what next year is going to hold is so amazing. I am super excited to get to see my best friend get married in May to someone who has become like a brother and close friend to me. I am just amazed at how God brings things together in HIS time. I’m also excited to see what God does with MY life as well.

For one of my classes my teacher gave us a questionnaire that isn’t just a questionnaire like “what’s your favorite color” these are questions that really make you evaluate and think about your life right now, and even the far future. It’s such a deep questionnaire that none of us finished it in the hour and a half period we had. But it really made me start thinking about my life. Whether it’s been thinking about things I’ve always said I want to do, or about what I want my life to look like in five to ten years.

I know that God is writing my story but I know there are things in life that I want to experience and do before I have a family of my own. I’m 25 years old and not getting any younger, so I hope that this next summer I will be able to spend it traveling and doing things that I’ve always wanted to do. We’ll see what happens. But, ultimately this week has been exciting and thrilling. I also love my roommate Ali who is one of my closest friends! We get along so well and we’ve said it’s like having a sleepover every single night! Lol! It’s been great and I cannot wait to see what God does in both of our lives this year. So there’s the rundown on my first week of my “Junior/Senior year” and I know it’s gonna continue to be amazing! God have your way!! 

At His Feet

Today in church Pastor’s sermon was titled, “At Whose Feet Do You Fall?” Just the title hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew this was for me. At times of struggle, pain, sorrow, grief, at whose feet do you fall? Do you rely on a book of helps that tells you how to get through it? Do you rely on the bottle of Jack Daniels to get you through it? Or do you immediately fall at the feet of the ONLY one who can get you through it and end up a conqueror? We as humans have the tendency to firstly choose a worldly object. Falling at the feet of God isn’t normally our first option is it? It ends up being the last option, when we hit our final straw and all the others left you in the same place you were when you started.

This entire lesson hit me right between the eyes and changed me. With Grandma’s passing it has completely hit me. I don’t feel like I have yet to start the process of grieving. I have been content allowing it to be put on the back burner, not dealing with it. It’s been okay there, until I realized it’s done nothing for me but keep me stagnant. Which is not a place anybody wants to be. I have spent today trying to process where I’m at, and sift through emotions. In the end it’s led me to the cross, to the feet of the ONLY one who can get me through this. Even if He has to carry me, HE and only the LORD can get me through this.

So at the feet of Jesus I fall, completely abandoning every emotion, heartache, grief, everything! Because I know that I cannot get through this unless He is taking me through it. There is a new beginning in life that starts here. When a chapter ends, a new one begins, that’s just life. But it’s how you deal with that ending, that affects the beginning. I choose to give the end and the beginning to Jesus because I know that even though endings are hard and sad, the beginning is going to be even better. God’s plans are to prosper us and give us a hope for the future. I like the sound of my chances.

New School Year

In three days I will be getting on a plane heading back to what has been my home for the last three years at New Hope Christian College in Eugene. I am filled with excitement and a lot of other things. With Grandma’s death still feeling so new I have yet to pass through the entire grief process. I have started it, but getting on with life without her is going to be my hardest challenge. Not having that person to talk to on a rough day like I was able too, is going to be such a transition. I know my friends are there for me and will help me get through it, but I still can’t help but feel the pain and sting of loss every single day.

I am excited though, it’s a new year! So much excitement is surrounding this new school year. My best friend is getting married!! I love her and her future husband Casey so much, he’s like a brother to me and I couldn’t be happier for them. I can’t help but feel excited for what new phase of life this year is becoming for me and those closest to me even before the school year has officially begun. One thing I can count on to be true is God’s constant love, provision, and guidance. That I can be sure of. It’s scary thinking about graduating soon and going towards the great unknown. Me being the kind of person who feels like I need to have some sort of idea or plan as to what my next step is gonna be. 

I learned this summer during my internship that you can’t always have a plan, because you never know ultimately what GOD has planned and that my friends is the ultimate plan of action anyone could receive or have. So here I am again, trying my best to TRUST GOD’S Plan for my life, without trying to take the reins. It is very hard, but again God has proven himself trustworthy and I know He’s gonna take care of me and provide me with the happiness I long for. It’s also somewhat comforting knowing that my Grandparents are looking down at me and watching with anticipation as this exciting plan that God has for me unfolds. I look too and am so thankful for the people that God has put in my life at this moment. Life goes on and I plan to live my life to the fullest of my ability with these amazing friends, mentors and people that God has put in my life and I know there are more to come this next school year. I’m ready for a new chapter! Let’s do this God. You and Me!  

The Aftermath

One thing I’ve realized about life is that you always need to expect the unexpected. I had always heard in church that every day is not guaranteed to you, you never know what tomorrow is going to bring. I definitely have seen this come to pass recently with the passing of my Grandma. I still am in the stage of denial. I know she’s gone and I know she’s in heaven with my Grandpa but, I still cannot believe she’s gone. The day before she died I replay it every day in my mind. I know it’s going to take time and I understand that but it’s really tough.

With the passing of Grandma has come difficulties that I hadn’t had to deal with before. The separating and passing on of Grandma and Grandpa’s things, more so all of Grandma’s cook-wear and china, basically everything that made Grandma and Grandpa’s house, theirs. Even though I got some of these things, it just doesn’t seem real. I feel in a fog still and I wish I knew how long this is gonna take. I guess it’s just another part of life that you tend to go through. There are many questions I am still asking God, questions that are just for Him. He’s answering them slowly but surely and like I said before I know it’s going to take time. But this loss, the loss of the two most important people in my life has hit me broadside. 

I am so thankful for the friends and mentors in my life who have come alongside of me during this time of hardship. To those people, they know who they are. Thank you for all your support and encouragement you have given me and your continued prayers I feel every single day. I am also so thankful for my family. I foresee that even though Grandma and Grandpa are gone, we still remain strong and stable as we cling to each other for support and love. I love you all so much and am so thankful for each and every one of you. 

Grandma

My Grandma was one of those people who was friends with everyone she met. Any friends we would introduce her to she would tell them to just call her Grandma. She would even call the weather man by his first name like she knew him personally. My Grandma loved people to the best of her ability, especially when it came to the people she loved most. There were days at school when I had the roughest day possible and the only person besides my Mom that I wanted to talk too was my Grandma. She always made life not seem as hard or as bad as it was at the time. We could talk for hours on the phone about anything and everything.

One thing we both love is food, especially watching the food network channel. One of our favorite shows was Diners, Drive-in’s and Dives. She would call me on the phone and ask me if I saw the latest episode and she would describe to me her favorite meal of the show.  Whether it was the most amazing piece of meat she had ever seen or the most scrumptious plate of food she saw she would be salivating over it and just had to share it with me. Those moments are the kind of moments I will hold dear.

My Grandma showed her love for food by preparing the most grandest meals I could ever remember. We could just be having a family dinner and it was like Thanksgiving every single time. I would say the Holidays were her super bowl. She LOVED cooking and hearing the sounds of satisfaction coming from our mouths as we ate her food. One thing Grandma always said was “You can never skip Breakfast, it’s the most important meal of the day,” and nothing said breakfast like going over to Grandma and Grandpa’s. There would be a buffet of food, bacon, sausage, hash browns, toast, eggs cooked to order. When it came to family Grandma and Grandpa both did everything they could to see happiness on our faces. My Grandma taught me what it was like to be a stay at home Mom, and woman.To nurture, and raise a family up to be the best they can be, but most of all, she taught me love. Love in any kind of way I can think of. My Grandma was one of the most amazing women I have ever met and I can only do my best to strive and be the kind of strong, loving, stubborn and amazing woman she was. I love you Grandma and I will miss you every day.

Last Minute Surprises

 Today was just the cherry on top of an amazing cake! I was able to see my big Sister Jenna after not seeing her for about three years! It was such an amazing time. We were able to really share what God has done in our lives and minister to each other in a way we hadn’t really been able too before. I was just super blessed. And then Ebony took me out to dinner…but. SURPRISE! It wasn’t just her and I that ended up at dinner, a handful of my friends showed up to give me a goodbye dinner and amazing time. We had dinner at In-N-Out, and then went back and played baggo together. God has just really showed me how loved and blessed I am and have been this summer. Thank you God for all you have given me up to this point in my life. I truly am thankful and I praise you for all of it, I don’t deserve it but because of your love you want to give me as much happiness as I can stand. You’re doing a great job! Lol! I am just way beyond blessed! I can’t describe how happy, loved and blessed I am! I love you all so very much and will miss you terribly!

My Summer In a Nut Shell

As I sit here, looking back on this summer an instant smile is brought to my face. I have been extremely blessed more than I ever thought I would. I leave California on Tuesday due to needing to get home to help my Mom take care of my Grandma who is having some medical issues. It’s sad to leave my new family here early but I have a peace about it, so I know I’m doing the right thing.

This summer has stretched me, challenged me, and made me stronger. Through circumstances and just daily life as an intern I was shown that I had limited myself to just basic things, believing I couldn’t handle it because of my fibromyalgia and other physical disabilities. I was shown that I can do more than what I thought I could. My world was opened to amazing ministry opportunities, personal challenges, and friends that I will have for a lifetime. 

This summer was just another stepping stone in God’s amazing plan for my life. I feel like a new person full of trust and faith in the Lord, and confidence in the plan that HE has for me. I honestly feel like I’ve never been so content with life as I do right now. Life is amazing and I can’t imagine it getting better, but I know it will because God promises to give us the desires of our heart and He knows what my desire is. His promises aren’t completely fulfilled quite yet. It’s exciting. This past week I was privileged to be one of the adults to take our Witness Chaos youth to NorCal Camp. As we pulled up to the grounds my heart raced with excitement and my memories flooded my mind back to my childhood and the many summers I spend at Koinonia.

It was like my past and present merged together to make a full circle and cycle of life. There I was a woman, a counselor, and an adult, while memories of being a child, and a student came upon me. It was an amazing thing to experience. God still moved in my life last week like I was a child again, encountering God in a miraculous way. Camp experiences can never be topped. I praise God for all He has done in my life and I am so thankful to Pastor Morgan who allowed me to be a part of his life, and the life of his kids that he loves like his own. I learned so much from Morgan, and in living life together I learned a lot about myself and the foundation that I had in the Lord. Thank you Morgan for all that you’ve done for me this summer and all you have taught me. I am really blessed and thankful! So now I go home for a month or so, and then I head off to one of my other homes as New Hope Christian College as I continue to walk the path that the Lord has for me with excitement, faith and trust in Him and what He has for my life.

Thank you also to everyone at San Jose Open Bible who made me feel like home the entire time I was there. Thank you for allowing me to minister to your children at kids camp and your youth these past couple months. I feel like I have another set of family and you all will hold a special place in my life always! Okay God, show me the next step on the journey! I’m ready! 

God's Surprises and Blessings

As I sit here looking back on this last week, I am in awe of the Lord once again. I was really nervous about being around people from my past because I didn’t know how it was going to go. I was also scared to be the one in charge of these kids, never being a counselor at camp before, let alone be the honorary Children’s Pastor for the week. Lol. But, as soon as I got there, God gave me confidence, boldness and peace. I knew I could handle it. I knew God had put me in this position for a reason, and I walked in full trust and faith in HIM.

This week I was transported back to my childhood as I saw these familiar places that made me feel at home. Never once did I feel like I didn’t belong, or that those people from my past judged me or looked at me differently. If anything they saw me as who I am now, and as an equal. Not only did I remember what it was like to be the kid going to kids camp and finding an understanding of God and who He is, and HOW MUCH he LOVES us, but my heart was full of emotions and eyes brought to tears as I saw these young kids worshipping the Lord. Especially seeing the kids we brought opening up to God. It took a couple days but once Wednesday hit, they were raising their hands and connecting.

What an amazing thing to see, and be reminded of. I saw myself in the girls that I got to spend my week with. The silliness and fun time attitude they had, was much like me when I was a kid at camp. I personally was blessed to have met some awesome friends that I hope I will have for a long time. First there was Rachel who I met the second day, we had so many things in common and acted like one another so much people started calling us twins. She is amazing and I miss her already. Secondly Abbey. She was the counselor of the girls we shared our cabin with. She’s the Children’s pastor at her church and we got along so well. She was a blessing to me throughout the week, I am so glad I met her! She’s amazing! I also met some other people that made my week joyful and fun!

But the most important thing this week, is that I got to witness and see God move in the lives of many young children, and I’m sure all the counselors and leaders there were as blessed as I was as we watched this younger generation find the Lord and get closer to Him in a way they never have before. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be a part of this and I can’t wait to see what you did in the lives of the High school kids at youth camp! I stand in awe of your love and plans once again!

Happiness In All Shapes and Sizes

 I cannot begin to explain or express how much God is doing and showing me here. Whether it’s through the day in and day out of being an intern, or the special gifts He has given me. I am so blessed and lucky to have been able to come here not knowing anyone except Pastor Morgan and Anthony, not expecting to fit or feel like I belong, but after being here for just a month, I feel like I’m at home. God has given me amazing friends who I know I will have for life. These girls are amazing and we have so much fun together. I constantly feel like I am with my best friends hanging out. Not just with the girls but the group of staffers who have become my close friends, just hanging out and laughing and having fun is 
always an awesome time.

Last night, we went to the beach and just had a blast! I was so excited to be at the beach again after a LONG time! They were laughing at my excitement. But, I always feel like I’m with my friends every day. We’re just so tight in such a short amount of time, I feel like this is my second home! So God has just blessed me so much in that, but also in the ministry aspect of things. Not only am I doing youth ministry, but I was asked to take the younger children, to kids camp. There was only about 5 kids going, with no adult or pastor to go with them, so Pastor Morgan asked me too. I’ll admit at first the thought of “kids” scared me. For those that know me, know that there’s a reason my concentration is YOUTH ministry *wink*

But, I pushed aside my fear and realized this wasn’t about me, it’s about these kids going to camp and learning about their relationship with God and others. So, after talking to a couple people, getting advice, I leave for camp on Monday with a different focus. Not being afraid, but standing firm knowing this was God’s plan for me all along and I’m just following HIS steps. I gave God my summer to do what HE wants with me, and I guess this was part of His plan. So I’m gearing myself up for an amazing time at kids camp and whatever God has for me there. I feel like every single day God is teaching me something about ministry or about myself, or HIM who is in me, and for me. 

On another note, God gave my family and I a special gift this past week. My parents FINALLY got a check from the disability company as their case is finally settled. Which means life is becoming normal for us all once again. We have our cell phones back, they have money to take care of all the bills that were close to go going to collections, and if they get the bigger check for my dad’s retirement, they will be able to buy another car so 

I can have my car at school next year! Even though it was a LONG road, and we all felt hopeless at times and wondering where God was in this, He was working the entire time. God’s timing is ALWAYS perfect and He is ALWAYS working for us in our favor. We all are blessed beyond compare at God’s faithfulness to us in our life. He got us through the biggest storm we’ve had to face as a family and we all are thankful it’s over and are looking towards what the future is gonna hold for all us as a family unit. Thank you Lord for all you are doing and continue to do in my life personally and the lives of those that I love so dearly! You are worthy of my praise and devotion!

True Pains, Rewarding Results

Wow! Things have been so crazy! CRAZY GOOD though! I’m learning so much but also building amazing relationships with everyone I’m around. I’m learning even more so how to work with different people with different personalities as my own. But in that I’m learning how to be stronger and learn how to give it my all without life having an effect on me. Everyone who knows me well knows I’m a wear my heart on my sleeve kinda person even when I feel like I’m hiding it very well. Yeah not the case. But I’m learning how to be honest about what’s going on but also on the other hand buck up and get it done. It’s been hard, but I feel so much better because of it.

The relationships I’m building with these kids are amazing, especially with the girls. I can see me having some strong amazing friendships with them, but also having the chance to mentor them and be there for them as much as I can. The pictures below are with some of these girls who have made an impact on me as I hope I have them. I am excited to continue to build these relationships and make them stronger, not just with the kids and these amazing girls but with the people I am working with all well. 

Anthony Ebony are so awesome, and we work so well together and we get things done, while Pastor Morgan is teaching me so much about myself but also about what ministry really is. It’s about forgetting yourself and pouring your heart and soul into what you know God has called you to do. Even though there is business and craziness of life that comes along with it, you need to always strive to do your 110 percent and when it’s all said and done, you feel much better because of it. I am so excited to see what more the Lord has for me within these next couple months. God is so good! I know He is right here with me walking along side of me, and for that I am so grateful and thankful for all He’s doing in my life! 

Serena, Ebony and Me. (With Caleb and Anthony in the background)

Me and Serena

Me and Katie

Erica and Me

Summer Beginnings!

Hey Everyone!

Witness Chaos

So I thought this would be a great way for you all to stay updated with my life here in GORGEOUS San Jose California. For those of you who don’t know, I just had my second day of interning at San Jose Open Bible under Morgan Quiroz who is the youth pastor. It has been a whirlwind of fun, craziness and pure joy and it’s only the second day! We arrived on Wednesday and I met my host parents who are really awesome. Not ONLY are Julee and Brian awesome but what makes this so perfect is that Julee is a Giants fan! I knew as soon as she said that I would be perfectly fine! Haha! After I met my awesome host parents Anthony (who is the other intern that is here with me, who also goes to my school at New Hope,) and I were taken back to the church where we got ready for our first youth group night! What an amazing night! I gotta say that these kids are amazing! I already hit it off with a handful of amazing girls and we hopefully will be going to the mall on Sunday! Getting to know them and being around them I felt like I was at home. I’ve felt like I’ve been at home ever since I got here. I’m sure once I see family though it will be even more perfect. I knew that God had a plan calling me here and He’s made it apparent that’s the case. I am so thankful for Morgan and his very straightforward way of communicating but also his obvious personality of having fun. San Jose is definitely the place for me. I know it’s only the second day and we haven’t really taken the plunge into our biggest project which is basically planning Nor-Cal camp! (SUPER STOKED ABOUT BTW!) I’m sure this summer will continue to be a life changing, challenging and moving summer that I will remember for the rest of my life. I will write updates here as soon as I have the time, and I will try to be as consistent as I can! I will post on Facebook when I’ve updated my blog so you know when to look for it! I love you all and when you think about me, pray for me and continue to keep me in your prayers. God is going to rock my world! I can feel it! *smile* 

His Hands

“It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was YOUR right hand, YOUR arm, and the light of your face, for you LOVED them.” Psalm 44:3

This was one of the chapters I read for my devotions this morning and I am just overwhelmed by God’s love for me. I’ve definitely been on a journey this school year since September. A total faith walk, a time where I couldn’t do anything but trust God and lean on HIM for everything I’ve needed. Being at school with no car, I’ve had no income of my own, no personal money in my pocket. My parents, as most of you know lost my dad’s pay in August and have been struggling just to barely get by with their own finances. So it’s been just me walking along with God, waiting, watching and seeing Him provide my needs and for my parents. I’ve had a couple times where I got money in my mailbox at school from an anonymous someone and it’s been an absolute blessing as I see God taking care of me as He took care of the Israelites. In this scripture above by HIS hand they had victory, not by their sword or physical weapons, but by HIS hand, HIS mighty arm, because He LOVED them. His love is what conquered all.

Just like with my situation and my parents’ situation by God’s hand, we will prevail and get through this time. But during this time people see what we are made of, people watch you, they see what you do and how you handle situations in life that may hit you broadside. So, as for me I will handle it by giving it up to God and letting Him take care of me because I can’t do it on my own. People will see my faith and trust in the one whose hands hold me and move for me. It isn’t laziness, it’s not like I’m not trying to do anything about my situation. In fact I TRIED to do something about it, and I tried to take it upon myself and I fell hard on my butt. God just said, “No, I have you at school right now, give it to me and I will take care of it. TRUST me.” So, with my butt sore I give it up to Him and I can rest in the fact that God will take care of all my needs. He knows what I need, I talk with Him, I cry out to Him. He knows, so that’s all I can humanly possibly do. So God, again I give it up to you. I know, you know what my needs are and I trust and have faith that you will take care of my every need, not because you promise to do so, but because I know you LOVE me and want what’s best for me.

So, a lot has happened since I last updated. God is doing a lot in my life, teaching me so much and speaking to me loudly. God has provided money for my parents to keep our house, and stay afloat, and He’s also provided money for me by amazing means. For example, I checked my mail here at the school one day and I had an envelope with just my name on it, I open it and there in the envelope was $60 in cash. I just couldn’t believe it I was so blessed and it rejuvenated me and kept me going. I praised God for a couple days after that, not that I don’t praise Him every single day, but you know what I mean. I’ve seen God working in my life this semester not just in providing for me and my needs but speaking to me as well, leading me.

Ever since I got back to school this semester I’ve just had this yearning to live life, like really LIVE life. Maybe me turning 25 last month lit my fire about this. But, I’ve just been feeling like God was preparing me for something, I really didn’t know what it is, but I felt like He was getting ready to do something. Well, I was definitely right. I feel like God is leading me to leave NHCC and create a life for myself. If I stayed here to finish out I would be 27 years old, no car of my own, no money of my own, still living at home with my parents and that to me is unacceptable. I cannot and will not have a life like that. This just isn’t me though, I feel at peace with my decision and that it’s just time. I’m also going to find a job, save money, get involved in my church with the college group but as well as the youth group. The more I get involved the more I will be able to be in a place that I know God has called me to be, in Youth Ministry.

It’s not going to be easy to leave my friends and life here, and I know some of them don’t understand or agree with my decision but I know it’ll all be alright, because I know and feel this is what God wants for me. The majority of my friends are supportive but there are a few that don’t and it’s hard but I will continue on in faith. Having faith is making the decision to take the first step and see where God takes you and what He does. That’s exactly what I’m doing and I’m okay with that. People may not agree or understand but honestly that doesn’t matter to me because I don’t have to answer to anyone but God, and God is the only one who leads me. Other people can have their opinions and yeah, that’s okay but that doesn’t mean it’s going to influence me when I know and feel God is leading me a direction. Yeah it doesn’t make sense that God would take me away from here and lead me back, then take me away again. God does thing that don’t make any sense to others, but to the people involves it makes sense and you just know.

So that’s where I’m at right now, and it’s scary and life is about to burst open from me and it’s definitely exciting but I’m ready for it. A lot of prayer and support would be great right now and definitely welcomed. You guys are all great, I love you all so very much. Well, I’m off to lunch! Hope you all have an amazing day today!

Give Me Faith

So things have been really crazy these past couple weeks. My income was completely taken away from me because the work-study guidelines changed and I no longer receive checks every other week (which is what I was living off of) but they just transfer that money into my account and I basically work it off during the year. It’s really frustrating and I really am upset about it. On top of that my parents’ income was completely stopped in August, and somehow in some string of unfortunate events they are not receiving any more pay. They have exhausted all they can and still don’t have enough to pay rent this month so they are trying to figure out what to do.

In all this, my 25^th birthday was on Monday the 20^th and up until the day the before I was having so much trouble finding excitement and some sort of looking forward to it. Then as I saw my amazing friends start finalizing the plans and being really secretive the excitement started to stir. I decided that I wasn’t going to let life’s situations take away the joy of my birthday and turning 25. The day of my birthday God reminded me how blessed I was and how much I have and made me not think so much about what I don’t have.

My friends ended up blindfolding me, and putting me in a car, making me believe we were going somewhere, but they ended up decorating one of the classrooms to look like a little restaurant. They had made dinner, and set up a beautifully set table and we all ate and had dinner together. I was super surprised, I had no idea whatsoever. It was so amazing and I was so blessed. Then me and my girls went out for a couple drinks and just had a good time. It was one of the most memorable birthdays I’ve had.

So in that, I am really trying to trust God and have faith that He will take care of me and carry me through this time of uncertainty and not having any control over what’s going on. My Mom always says “When things get rough, remember that somewhere there is someone else that is going through something worse.” Which is true. I have a dear friend who just lost his wife and is traveling over the Pacific Northwest scattering her ashes, cause it’s what she wanted. She had recorded a children’s book with her voice on it and while he was in Seattle some heartless people broke into his SUV and stole his laptop, ipod and the bag containing this book. He is devastated and isn’t leaving Seattle until he gets the book back.

When I saw this my heart ached and I got so angry. Righteously angry. He’s been through so much already, and now this. How could someone do that, it just breaks my heart. So in that I realize that in this hard time of uncertainty and not knowing how I’m going to get by God will take care of me, and I will hold tight to Him to get me through. There is a song sung by Elevation Worship called “Give Me Faith” and it’s a song that’s helping me stay in perspective.

Verse:

I need you to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need you to open my eyes

To see that You're shaping my life

Pre-Chorus:

All I am,

I surrender

Chorus:

Give me faith to trust what you say

That you're good and your love is great

I'm broken inside, I give you my life

Verse 2:

I need you to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need you pierce through the dark

And cleanse every part of me

Chorus

Bridge:

I may be weak

Your spirit strong in me

My flesh may fail

My God you never will (repeat)

"Fun" in California

So this past weekend my amazing friends, Nora, Ali and I drove down to Fresno/Reedley California to see my Grandma in the hospital. The way down there was so much fun we had such a great time. We ended up getting in about 3:00 in the morning Saturday. We slept until 10:00 then got up and went to see Grandma with my cousin Meaghan who had arrived there on Friday. Grandma still didn’t know I was coming. When she saw me, she was super surprised and blessed beyond anything. I loved seeing the joy on her face just with me being there.

Nora brought her guitar and we ended up singing some worship songs to her, and she absolutely loved it. She seemed kind of out of it still, she had a couple moments where she just stopped talking and then trailed off to another subject, and seemed kind of drugged. Other than that she was doing real well. Nora ended up ministering to the woman sharing a room with Grandma just by talking to her. We all wondered if she ever had family come visit her, and talk with her.

We stayed with her for about two hours then headed back to my Uncle’s house where we hooked up with my other two cousins Heather and Leah. Meaghan is getting married this summer and Leah, Heather and I are bridesmaids so we went to David’s Bridal to get our dresses and we had such a great time. I was super glad that we got to experience getting our dresses together and have fun as cousins. Nora and Ali came too and we all just had a great time.

The next day Nora, Ali and I were on our way to see Grandma one last time before we headed back up to Oregon when her car broke down on the freeway. It was a total God-thing because we were only minutes away from my Uncle who was at the hospital already, so I called him and he left the hospital immediately and was on his way to us. We started to push the car off the freeway when a CHP (California Highway Patrol) officer pulled over and pushed us off the exit which was right there, and he got us to a safe place. I called my Uncle Mick and told him exactly where we were. When he got there he checked the car out and soon realized that the engine seized and we couldn’t get it started up at all. So he used his AAA to get a free tow, and then we had to figure out a way to get home to Oregon so he called and helped us rent a car, and about two hours later we were safely on our way back to Oregon, leaving Nora’s car in California. SORRY NORA =|

She’s trying to decide what do with her car. I felt so bad, but we certainly made an adventure out of the entire trip. We bonded and got closer which was super amazing, and besides being extremely tired we made the trip home fun as well. All in all God used us to minister, but also brought us all closer together which is amazing. I love these girls so much and we are definitely best friends for life! Nora and Ali thank you so much for all you did for me this past weekend and I appreciate you so very much.