Hard Times

 

“That is why for Christ’s sake, I DELIGHT in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:10 

I don’t even know where to begin… This past year has probably been the hardest year of my life. Last October I left my husband and moved home. I knew I had to in order to gain clarity, and to heal from the hurt and pain that I was dealing with. I’m being 100% real with all of this. My marriage, as it seemed from the outside was perfect and we were extremely happy. But on the inside, it was heartbreaking, painful and honestly downright messed up.

Growing up as a Christian, in church. There were always those picture-perfect marriages that looked all put together. But as reality hits, I’m sure was far from perfect just like mine was. I feel churches have become kind of screwed up. Shouldn’t the church be the place where you can be vulnerable and be real with yourself and others? Rather than play and act the part people expect from you? How have churches become so off that people hide rather than truly come as you are? Broken, hurt, messed up. What would God himself think about how churches have become? I would gather He himself wouldn’t be too impressed.

So, I played the part of perfection, rather than cry out at the alter because of judgement. That is in itself screwed up.

This past year I have gone through a painful journey. Being a single mom, trying to figure out how to put my life back on track. How to deal with the pain and hurt my marriage caused. Not an easy feat. I in a way turned from God due to the fear of judgement from people I should feel safe with. Feeling as if they wouldn’t care or hear how I truly felt, or even care to see the devastation inside of myself.

This year of my journey through this life has led me here. Getting my life with God back on track. Ready to finally heal and deal with the reality of what my life had become. I am now stronger. I am now a force to reckoned with. I am no longer weak; I am no longer wallowing. I have my dukes up and I’m ready to fight.

The enemy probably thought he had me with this one. Thought he had destroyed me finally. I’ve got news for you. You didn’t beat me. I am not down for the count. I am strong. I am a fighter. My son is worth fighting for, my life is worth fighting for. The enemy may have distracted me for a time, he may have thought he had gain ground. But it wasn’t the case.

So here I am. Seeking, crying out. God help me. I feel like I am David, hiding in the wilderness out of fear of being judged and hiding for my life. What did David do when he was at his lowest? He cried out to God.

“You oh Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is FLAWLESS. He is a SHEILD for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the ROCK except for our God? It is GOD who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on heights.” – Psalm 18: 28-33

This is my song right now. God arms me, He shields me, He strengthens me. He is the reason have been down but not dead. I am thankful to know these truths. I couldn’t have gotten through this year alive without His strength and the knowledge I have about Him in me. When you think you are down, know you aren’t down completely. God will sustain you, God will strengthen you. God is there. Reach out, call out, cry out, scream out in anger, and He will hear you. I am not defeated.

Unrest

Our nation right now is going down a road. A scary road. A road that if it continues, will leave this once united nation into a nation of division. As it is, we are already a divided nation. Division is crippling and it destroys any country, family, or church. It is an awful thing.

My heart is heavy because of the unrest in our nation. This nation was a nation where people were able to believe what they wanted to believe, people respected each other, and there were no forceful demands on what you were to believe or not. Now, it is not the case. It is a scary world we live in. A world that I worry about my son living in as he grows older.

So, what do we do? How as Americans do, we move forward? I am going to start by saying this. To the current issues we are dealing with, the lives that were taken. George Floyd was murdered by a cop who used unnecessary force. He did not use the training he was taught; he did whatever he wanted to do. In turn gave all cops a black mark.

I stand with the black community on this, this murder was unjust. No matter whon George Floyd was, he was a person, a person who begged for his life, and got no help. I do NOT agree with that, no matter the skin color. What that cop did, was wrong in every aspect. BUT. Not all cops deserve to be persecuted because of ONE cop’s bad mistake. Just because he was a cop, does not mean all police officers will do the same. To defund the police, would cause absolute chaos in our country. There is a better way.

Revelation 2:9-10 says this, (The Message)
“I can see your pain and poverty—constant pain, dire poverty—but I also see your wealth. And I hear the lie in the claims of those who pretend to be good Jews, who in fact belong to Satan’s crowd.
“Fear nothing in the things you’re about to suffer—but stay on guard! Fear nothing! The Devil is about to throw you in jail for a time of testing—ten days. It won’t last forever.
“Don’t quit, even if it costs you your life. Stay there believing. I have a Life-Crown sized and ready for you.”

We are living in a world that is challenging every person’s beliefs and faith. We as people who believe in God, and Jesus Christ, are having to stand firm upon what we know. We as believers know what is to come. Our world is in unrest. Tribulations and trials are beginning to come into our lives. The Devil has a hold on our world right now, and we as believers need to stand strong.

Isaiah 41:10 states, (The Message)
“Don’t panic. I am with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.”

We are not alone in this time. Christ is with us. He will never leave our side. He will give us strength; he will give us courage to do what we know is right. He will keep us steady. With everything going on in our world, Christ is what we need, Christ is what this world needs. So, let us be the Christ people need to see. Let us as believers be what this world needs, show what this world needs. Help heal this country, do not show hatred, do not show anger. Show love, be love, be understanding.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (The Message)
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.”

Love conquers all. It is because of love we have the salvation through Jesus Christ that we do. It is because of love that we can love others. It is because of love that we have all we do. Love one another.

When the Battle Rages

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. An age old saying that has a lot of truth. My truth lately is, when life give you lemons, go ahead and throw them at someone. Anyone else been there? Life right now, is overall going well. But there are some parts of life, that I will be honest, it gets me real angry. Not angry at God, or angry at someone, just. Angry in general.

When that happens, and my human emotions go to the forefront, rather than my Godly intuition, or instincts, it is hard to get back into check. That is what makes the enemy so good at what he does. He knows us, he knows what little peeves get at our very nerves, he knows the deepest things our hearts struggle with, and he gets us there often.

1 Peter 5:8 says,

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”

This is how the enemy sees us. Helpless lambs, that he seeks to devour and destroy. He loves seeing the humanity inside of us take over the Godliness we have. I have seen in my life growing up how easy it is for the enemy to grab a foothold of someone and desperately hold on tight.It literally destroyed my family, the choices to hold onto sin and neglect the obvious hold the enemy had.

James 1:4 states:

“But each person is tempted when he (or she) is lured and enticed by his (or her) own desire.”

I am not saying that I am perfect by any means. I too have given into sin and my human tendencies took to the forefront of my life at one point. It was not until God revealed to me and showed me the paths that I was walking. He intervened on my behalf on more than one occasion. No sin is greater than the other. But it is quite easy for the enemy to grab a foothold in our lives.

It could be something as little and minute, and from that little harmless thing it grows into something bigger. Addictions grow more intense; life gets more and more out of your control. All it takes is one small foothold. I have even seen bitterness ruin a family, a generational bitterness, anger and hatred. It can easily destroy a family.

Sin can so easily entangle us and our lives. 

Romans 12:1-2 states:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Christ endured the cross so we could have a chance at destroying sin in our lives. He most of all, knows the human tendencies we have. He walked this earth as fully man, and fully God. He was sinless, but that does not mean he himself was not tempted. Even in the garden of Gethsemane, he pleaded with God to take the cup from him, he did not want to be crucified, he begged. But then He knew, his love for us overcame his humanity and he died a gruesome death so we could have a chance at life.

Even anger can be sinful if you let it consume you. The battle rages on for our hearts and our souls. The enemy is smart. He is cunning. He is always prowling to seek and destroy. Do not let him get even a little bit of a foothold. Put on your armor, fight with the sword of the spirit, the Word of God that is alive and active now. This world needs Christ. This world needs true followers of Christ to stand firm upon His rock. Be the change, be the light. Do not give into the enemy. This world is in chaos right now. Be love. Be Jesus. Do not judge, do not hate. Give grace, give understanding, show people that Christ is real through us.

Living Waters of Solitude

"Jesus knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew (sought solitude), again to a mountain by himself.” – John 6:15

Lately God has been trying to drill something into my life and head. It is important to find time to be with just you and the Lord. He is the living water that keeps you rejuvenated and able to go through life. He gives you peace in the midst of the craziness that life brings. I have a lot on my plate right now: Trying to plan a wedding, working, helping family get settled, it’s a lot. I haven’t been able to have a lot of time to myself, let alone make time to spend with God.

This week I kind of hit rock bottom. I realized how burnt out I felt, and how dead I was feeling. Being on the weeklong vacation I took, was when it hit me. Since then I’ve been going through a time of discovery. In the end I discovered that God was trying to work in me and I did not even realize it. He is working and I see it. With this revelation I have been spending more time with God this week and the scriptures that have been popping up have been all about living water, or seeking solitude with God.

Coincidence? Most likely not. It’s just God. There’s a reason Christ himself sought solitude and withdrew. It’s because he needed that one on one time with God to keep him focused and centered. God the father rejuvenated him and filled him up with the stamina he needed to do his ministry. Without that time with God, Christ would have been burnt out himself. You get to a point where life becomes a drag. You have no energy, you have no positivity, and it has just been sucked out of you in a way.

It is difficult to minister to others and be there for others if you have nothing left to give them. This has been a healthy reminder for me, and I am right there with you. Life gets crazy.  In the midst of your craziness it would behoove you to make time to disconnect to spend time with God. Even if it is just a five minute time of prayer. Take the time, you need it. Take Christ’s example and disconnect for just a couple minutes. You will find like I have that it is worth it and your outlook on what you are going through will change. Christ is our spring of living water, he rejuvenates you, He keeps you going, and it is with Christ we are able to keep moving forward. Let God fill you up to continue on.

God Is Faithful

It’s no secret that I have been through quite a bit this last year. A lot of confusion, heartache and everything else that goes with it. Questions rolling through my head. When my last relationship ended I was so lost and confused. I thought I had heard right, I thought that was what God had for me. My heart was broken and I didn’t understand why. But in the midst of the brokenness God was there. He was faithful and helped me through. He slowly began to heal and mend up my brokenness and the confusion slowly lifted away. I knew it was all in God’s hands.

Moving forward after experiencing something like that is not easy by any means. But you slowly start finding a new normal through the pain and confusion. With God I was able to pick myself up and stand strong. It’s amazing to me that this happened almost a year ago. What a year it has been. God has given me so much in this last year. He’s healed and changed me so much this past year. I am so thankful for the heartache and the journey the Lord took me on because it all has led to this point.

I didn’t see it coming, it took me by surprise, but wouldn’t that just be like God. What a wonderful Savior I serve. I met this man 6 months ago. We became friends and since then our foundation and friendship grew and grew. It wasn’t until a month ago when he came to me opening up his heart to me. I was floored and fought so many insecurities. I didn’t feel good enough, with my past mistakes. I felt unworthy of being loved by this amazing man of God. I couldn’t help myself. But for me, as soon as my eyes met his and saw his love for me deep inside them, I knew I loved him too in a way I had never loved anyone before.

I love him with a God filled love, and I know he loves me the same way. This whole relationship is based on God, was a gift from God and is founded upon the solid rock of Christ. How did I get so lucky? Why did God give me such a gift? Well, it’s because God is faithful. Through the trials, through the journey, through the muck and mud, GOD remained faithful to me. Who am I? That God would be so faithful? I am his daughter. His precious jewel. HIS. I became HIS when he died on the cross for me.

I’ve been dancing with God my entire life, my father, my protector, my Lord, waiting for the moment he would step aside and bring my hand into the hands of the one who He has made for me. I am holding that man’s hand right now and I couldn’t be more blown away and blessed. For those who have endured heartache and brokenness. Feeling as if you are unworthy of such blessing and love, I can tell you that you are quite mistaken. God wants to bless us, he wants to give us gifts that blow our minds. He loves us with an unconditional love I don’t think we could ever comprehend or understand.

I stand here, a stronger woman because of my trials and weaknesses.

James 1:2-4 says ‘Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, because you KNOW that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and COMPLETE, not lacking anything.”

My trials and my tough journey have made me the woman of God I am today. I am not fully complete, because God is working in my life every single day. But remember that God is faithful.

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.” – Lamentations 3:22-23

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness. My cup runeth over because of your love for me. I praise you for never forgetting about me and loving me so unconditionally. Never doubt what the Lord is capable of in your life. He is willing and able to do far more than anything you could think of or expect for yourself. Never give up. Don’t lose heart. The sunshine is coming. Just trust the Lord.

Building On Faith

This morning I was talking with a friend. I shared with them what I read out of the Word today and they said something that hit me. I shared that I read out of Acts 18. Verse 9-10 it talks about how God came to Paul and told him to not stop speaking.

^“9 One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: “Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. ¹⁰ For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city.” ¹¹ So Paul stayed in Corinth for a year and a half, teaching them the word of God.”

After I shared this we started talking about faith. The word ‘emunah’ in Hebrew means faith. They went on to share that the word ‘Umanut’ in Hebrew means ‘craftsmanship’. After that they went on to say this which is what struck me, ‘Faith is something you build’. I had to sit there for a second as I marveled over that one sentence. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

Faith really is something you build. It doesn’t come easy it never happens overnight. It’s something that takes time. Jesus himself was a carpenter. He built things, he was a craftsman. He knows that faith as small or big as it is for each of us, He’s taken time to build it up in us.

Our faith is based on trusting that God is who he says he is, and can do what He says He can do. Jesus builds our faith by showing and proving to us HE is trustworthy. When we go through hard times, and hardships, He is there to help us through. In our darkest times God is there, building that up in us.

Faith can start out small. It says in the Word,

“Jesus tells His disciples, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you.” Luke 17:6

Jesus uses rhetorical hyperbole to make the point that little is much when it comes from God. All it takes is a little seed to grow into something big and triumphant. Faith is something Jesus builds in us. He is the master craftsman after all.

When you feel you don’t have enough faith at times, remember all it takes is a small seed of it, and God will edify and build it up in you. As it grows you will stand more confident in knowing that with your small seed of faith, you can move mountains.  

No Use Crying Over Spilled Milk...or Coffee

Life is a funny thing sometimes, and sometimes God uses chaos to bring things to light. Today as I was doing my devotions my coffee tipped and spilled all over my new journal. I was more devastated as one should be. I freaked out, and then it hit me. I was freaking out because my new journal which signified a fresh clean start was now stained and looked old and worn. 

My desperate need of control was soiled. But why did it matter so much? My O.C.D kicked into hyper gear in April when my entire world fell apart. When that happened, it clicked something on in me. I had no control over it and no understanding as to why. Without me realizing, I've spent the last 7 months having control of things I could control because of that one huge derailment in my life. 

Reality check. Sometimes life gets messy and sometimes you wont have control over things, but don't use that and freak out trying to gain control of whatever you can get your hands on. Why? Because God is in control. There's a purpose for the chaos and there's a method to God's plan and the madness you may think is going on. The stains of the past wash away with tomorrow. They become a flash in the pan as some would say. 

What the enemy intends for destruction, the Lord creates something good. Beauty for ashes. Or in my case, beauty out of the coffee stains. When life is full of chaos don't try to gain control, God has it covered. Try to find peace in the chaos knowing that God has your life controlled and stable. It may feel chaotic and stained, but God is making it clean and orderly. 

Don't let the stains of the past, dictate your future. God is making you clean, tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start. Use it to find joy and allow God to have control. No use crying over spilled coffee, because the one who holds your world is in control, and that is sweeter than any cup of coffee.