Life

In my devotions this morning I read Psalm 145 and this chapter is all about God’s love and his compassion for us and those whom He loves. I pretty much had a total frustrated complaining entry, all about how if He loved us so much why must we endure so much hardship? My family has been going through nothing but hardship the last ten years. I can’t even remember what life being “normal” is because it’s all overshadowed by the hardship. Now I know that God never promised that life would be easy.

 In fact James says “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4 (NLT)

Paul said “So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.” (NLT)

I know all of this to be true and I know the Israelites went through more than what my family has had to endure, 40 years is a longer time than ten. But to me it might as well feel like 40 years. Honestly I’m just tired of the hardship, tired of having struggles, I just want life to feel happy again. It’s pretty bad when I don’t even remember what life being happy looks or feels like. I also think because of my grief and unhappiness I am quick to sell myself short and not have the confidence in what the Lord has promised. Out of my frustration I am willing to compromise and choose 2^nd best. To me, I don’t understand why I keep going that direction. I feel like I’m strong in spirit but so weak when it comes to my human nature and desires.

I don’t understand why I know what I need out of a future spouse but I am quick to compromise the most important just to feel loved and desired. God why can’t I ever conquer this? Why can’t I ever just be strong enough to let it go? Why do I feel so drawn to him? Why…? I feel like I disappoint those closest to me because I fail so horribly at this every single time. I feel like a disappointment to you God. I’ve lived my life to serve you and yet I still feel like I am not worthy of the love you give me and not worthy enough to find a man that treats me with your love.

I’ve always prayed for a love like the love my Grandparents shared with each other. They endured such deep trials together but came out strong in the end and they loved each other for 53 years until they both went home to be with Jesus. I have so many desires in my heart but God has yet to answer the deepest desires. I feel like my life is just wasting away and by the time it finally happens I won’t be good enough for anyone. These lies from the enemy torment me every single day and get into my head. I try to conquer them but feel so weak right now, I think it’s because of my grief and pain over losing Grandma. I’m not trying to excuse it but that makes more sense to me. I struggle every single day to get out of bed and keep going on with life. But it’s so hard.

I’m tired, I’m overworked, I’m so beaten and bruised up. I just want a break, a break from the trials, the heartache, the pain. Where is my happiness? When is it my turn to love someone with all that I have? When will it be me? God please answer me. Please show me and reveal to me all that I desire to know. Continue to walk with me even though I fail so miserably. Allow my friends to be patient with me and walk beside me through this time. I do trust you even though I do things that may not show that. I do. I will continue to love you, I will still love you and trust you as I continue to walk with you.