Hard Times

 

“That is why for Christ’s sake, I DELIGHT in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:10 

I don’t even know where to begin… This past year has probably been the hardest year of my life. Last October I left my husband and moved home. I knew I had to in order to gain clarity, and to heal from the hurt and pain that I was dealing with. I’m being 100% real with all of this. My marriage, as it seemed from the outside was perfect and we were extremely happy. But on the inside, it was heartbreaking, painful and honestly downright messed up.

Growing up as a Christian, in church. There were always those picture-perfect marriages that looked all put together. But as reality hits, I’m sure was far from perfect just like mine was. I feel churches have become kind of screwed up. Shouldn’t the church be the place where you can be vulnerable and be real with yourself and others? Rather than play and act the part people expect from you? How have churches become so off that people hide rather than truly come as you are? Broken, hurt, messed up. What would God himself think about how churches have become? I would gather He himself wouldn’t be too impressed.

So, I played the part of perfection, rather than cry out at the alter because of judgement. That is in itself screwed up.

This past year I have gone through a painful journey. Being a single mom, trying to figure out how to put my life back on track. How to deal with the pain and hurt my marriage caused. Not an easy feat. I in a way turned from God due to the fear of judgement from people I should feel safe with. Feeling as if they wouldn’t care or hear how I truly felt, or even care to see the devastation inside of myself.

This year of my journey through this life has led me here. Getting my life with God back on track. Ready to finally heal and deal with the reality of what my life had become. I am now stronger. I am now a force to reckoned with. I am no longer weak; I am no longer wallowing. I have my dukes up and I’m ready to fight.

The enemy probably thought he had me with this one. Thought he had destroyed me finally. I’ve got news for you. You didn’t beat me. I am not down for the count. I am strong. I am a fighter. My son is worth fighting for, my life is worth fighting for. The enemy may have distracted me for a time, he may have thought he had gain ground. But it wasn’t the case.

So here I am. Seeking, crying out. God help me. I feel like I am David, hiding in the wilderness out of fear of being judged and hiding for my life. What did David do when he was at his lowest? He cried out to God.

“You oh Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is FLAWLESS. He is a SHEILD for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the ROCK except for our God? It is GOD who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on heights.” – Psalm 18: 28-33

This is my song right now. God arms me, He shields me, He strengthens me. He is the reason have been down but not dead. I am thankful to know these truths. I couldn’t have gotten through this year alive without His strength and the knowledge I have about Him in me. When you think you are down, know you aren’t down completely. God will sustain you, God will strengthen you. God is there. Reach out, call out, cry out, scream out in anger, and He will hear you. I am not defeated.